WEATHER FORECAST:

Life imitating art imitating "Liquid Sky" imitating dystopia. Expect warm showers, no skies, and the unceremonious burial of romance in a well dressed graveyard of your choosing. BYOB.

Do you ghouls remember that one time we all shut the fuck up, came together and just posted nonstop David Bowie songs for two weeks straight? I miss that. This is why I'm voting for the ghost of David Bowie for president.

WEATHER FORECAST

The sexual tension between the pro Bernie friend and the pro Hillary friend hashing it out on your FB newsfeed caused an early spring. Expect a light breeze, predictable memes, and post-coital tristesse.

Last night I had a dream that I was the Riff Randall for Pulp and gave Jarvis these lyrics, dramatically written out with black lipstick on a dirty mirror.

 

Weird. Can't tell if my upstairs neighbors are a herd of elephants starting a roller skating Einstürzende Neubauten cover band at a bowling alley OR they're just ASSHOLES.

WEATHER FORECAST

If Man is five, if Man is five, if Man is five
Then the Devil is six, then the Devil is six
The Devil is six, the Devil is six and if the Devil is six
Then God IT'S SEVEN DEGREES OUT.

Just spent all my NYC grownup money on winklepicker buckle mary janes and Fall records because I'm a wild teenager with no dishes and high priorities.

DORiANGRAYPHONE 8

People always ask, "AUTOMNE, you are 129 years old but don't look a day over 33. WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?" To which I reply, "BLOOD." But in all seriousness, it's the DORiAN GRAYPHONE 8 that gives me my youthful glow. With each passing dramatic life event, crushing disappointment, and failed relationship, the DORiAN GRAYPHONE 8 wears my scars for me. Ohhh, are you a bill collector trying to reach me? Sawwwrrrryy. My phone hasn't had a ringtone in months. Are you a hurt friend wondering why I haven't replied to your text? I didn't get it. The DORiAN GRAYPHONE 8 picks and chooses what it wants me to see based on a random lottery that takes place on Mercury. Are you a bitter manchild in desperate need to tell me all about my glaring personality defects? I'm SO sorry but I can't read a word of what you said between all these cracks on the screen. I'm going to have to assume you must be singing my praises. Am I late? Am I early? Did I come at a bad time in your life? You won't find me crying in the shower over that stuff because the DORiAN GRAYPHONE 8 doesn't even tell time! IT'S AMAZING!!!!

WEATHER FORECAST

A hummingbird in a tiny wool jacket took Adderall on an empty stomach and has been hovering behind you in the Subway station at every stop. It just pulled out a tiny harmonica and started playing "Too Fast For Love" to a rat shamelessly flirting with a discarded paperback of "Infinite Jest." Page 57 is missing.
Expect cold temperatures, hard gum, and hot breath on your neck.

*emoticon of a forgotten myspace glitter graphic making love to a spaceship on top of a waterbed*

First crush. First cassette I bought. First muse. First hero. First everything. Ohhhhh Bowie.

So many androgynous glittery tears on Mars right now.

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Man. Just downloaded a saxophone app to my iphone but I can't get the motherfucker to work so NOW I have to download a sad tuba solo app to play along to my failure.

WEATHER FORECAST

A polar bear went to the ninth circle of hell to talk frozen Satan's ear off about their tropical vacation to Neptune. Desperate to appear cool, Lucifer forced a "sign of the horns" hand gesture but his fingers froze and broke into 666 ice cubes. A shivering Lou Reed scooped them up to place in a sippy cup of bourbon.  
Expect cool winds, subway delays, no feeling in your feet, a strong drink, and a hot pizza.

I lost my ID at a bar in Greenville on New Year's Eve. It was the only thing I had left that tied me to the west coast. Despite the hassle of having to fly without one, I found the timing to be profoundly symbolic. 
It's been a wild, heartbreaking, and exciting two months but I officially made it to my final destination. 
Hiiiiii New York. I'm hommmmeeeeeee.