The other day a friend and I were talking about how we'll never have as much fun as The Black Lips. It's not that we don't know how to tear shit up (we do) or that we're not versed in the art of rock 'n' roll shenanigans (we're masters.) It's just that shit is different when you're a girl. As much as we want to jump off our amp, break a bottle over your head, spit beer out of our mouths, punch you in the face, and have meaningless one-night-stands with faceless hair-dos -- it's just not a reality for most of us. We have to constantly be on our game and watch out for each other. When a girl is walking home alone, it's a requirement for her to text the friends that she was just out with. We don't do this because "OMG, we just looooove to text." No, man. We do it to let each other know that we made it home safely. There is no "casual stroll from the bar" when you're a girl. There is no "black-out drunk" when you're a woman on tour. You know how friggen dangerous that is? There is no "do-so-many-drugs-I-can't-play-my-instrument" when you're a chick in a band. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen - but most of us don't have the luxury to screw up like that. It's hard enough to be taken seriously when you have tits.
And why is it so hard to be taken seriously when you have tits? I'm not even talking about big tits (that's a whole other blog.) I'm just talking about regular tits. Can we talk about our tits for one second? I mean, have you seen how ridiculous your penis looks? How can you have something that ridiculous attached to you 24/7 and still be taken seriously? What can myself, my friends, our tits, and our complicated vaginas possibly learn from you? What is there to relate to? Where is the substance? What is a straight, white man going to tell me about me? Are you guys really in control of the whole fucking world - with that thing dangling there like an after-thought? I don't get it. We're supposed to take YOU seriously with that but you don't take us seriously with these?
Speaking of big boobs, can I talk about Radiohead for a second? Dude, everyone looooooves Radiohead. They're considered "one of the world's most important bands EVER ." What does that even mean? "One of the world's most important bands." It's five white guys that take themselves way too seriously. Five white penises, man. F-I-V-E. Why is that so important? Why are we throwing the word "important" around like that? Unless Thom Yorke's dick figured out a strategic plan for achieving peace in the middle east, I fail to see the importance. I know I'm probably pissing off every single person in the world with ears but I just don't get the hype. I'm not a fan. Electrelane were better. Subtle yet complicated. I get them. Four girls. No dicks.
another thing. Who decides this shit? Who decides that Radiohead is
more important than Electrelane? Is this what you guys do at Bohemian
Grove? Do you sit around figuring out what countries to invade and who "the most important bands EVER" are?
Are you guys just making lists? You checking them twice? Is this what
Fuck you, guys. Quit inviting the editors of "Rolling Stone"
magazine and pitchforkmedia.com to Bohemian Grove.
Clearly my friends, myself, our tits, and our complicated vaginas have a lot to mull over. No wonder we're not having as much fun as The Black Lips. No wonder I'm not a guitar virtuoso.... yet.