Last night was my first "dog obedience" class. We were supposed to leave our little beasts at home for the first night. I assumed this was because we were going to be told fascinating little secrets about dog psychology and mind control -- Coast To Coast style. Instead, it was two hours of unenthusiastic group silence as the trainer blew our fucking minds with questions ranging from "What is a good pup?" to "Why is it important to have a dog listen to you?"
While the group gave blank stares, I pretended to show a genuine interest in why the clicker has proven to be a worthy training device in teaching goldfish how to jump through hoops. Things went from slightly uncomfortable to totally mortifying when the trainer asked for a volunteer. An uneasy silence made it clear that there were no heroes in this bunch. I knew I would have to take one home for the team and reluctantly stepped up... for what, I didn't know.
The trainer told me to go in another room while the group figured out what task I should do. Apparently I was supposed to figure out what was expected of me by listening to the groups clicking prowess. Confusing? Pretty much. Degrading? Most definitely.
When I return to the room, there were toys all over the floor. I'm neurotic so I start to pick them up. When nobody clicks, I figure out that maybe I should be doing something else... like going home or asking for my money back. I bend over to pick a plastic frog up and some clickers go off but it wasn't in unison. I pick up more toys and hear nothing but the sweet sound of dignity composing a Dear John Letter to me. Ten minutes pass and I'm sick of this little game. I ask the group if they want me to "roll over or something".
Excruciating silence... not even a giggle.
Tough.Crowd.
Desperately I start picking up toys again and clickers are being hit with reckless abandonment. Assuming that I've done my part, I return to my seat awaiting my treat. The trainer says (in a i'm talking to a bad lil' pup' voice) "We're not done with youuuu!" Sigh. This is my cross to carry so I walk back to the scattered toys and pick up some hot wheels. The trainer clicks and proudly exclaims "Yay! You got it!"
Umm, they were the only toys left on the floor.
I sit back down while she tells a story about doing this with a toddler. He was faced with the infinitely more complex task of throwing a certain ball over a wall. He did this effortlessly in about two minutes.
Ohh.
Dog Supplies - $258
Obedience classes -$135
Proving once and for all that I'm not only inferior to a dog and dimmer than a goldfish BUT a four year old could beat me at a game of wits. - PRICELESS -